A Crew and Their Fluff
by This Is Sarcasm
Summary: Drabble dump containing fluff bits from everyone's favorite crew! Consumer Warning: product contains backsass, bromance, sarcasm, bad ideas, an unforgivable amount of Garrus, what not to do at a furniture store, and more. If you are allergic to any of these, DO NOT READ THIS FIC!
1. Chapter 1

_So, I was trying to write the next chapter of Out of Tricks... annnnd I hit a road block. Writer's block, to be precise, right after I finished the segment where Garrus and Co. are off fighting 'dirty pirate', as he put it. So instead of mashing my head against the keyboard any further, I decided to just... let loose and write a bunch of fluffy Normandy crew drabbles._

 _It's not another chapter of Out of Tricks, but they do take place in the same continuity. That way, not only to I get to play with the crew, I get to establish their bonds more, and I get to play with them before Thracius meets being said, reading Our of Tricks is not necessary to understand any of these. The segment in the next chapter was so much fun to write, these guys just kind of write themselves at times... so... Enjoy the Fluff!^^_

ME2

* * *

"Hey Legion; what're you doing up here?" Garrus asked as he and Jacob walked into the lab.

"Shepard-Commander suggested a way to better integrate with the crew." the Geth explained. As it did so, it moved one of Mordin's tools slightly to the right. "We are partaking in an annual holiday practiced by humans to demonstrate our understanding of the tradition and bond with the crew."

"Which holiday is that?" Garrus asked as Jacob paled.

"No! She didn't!" he whispered with horror. At that moment, Mordin walked in. The salarian's eyes swept the room once, then went wide... and then, the scientist went as close to looking like he was going to breath fire as he ever had.

"What... did... you... DO!?"

"Garrus Vakarian relocated all unbolted objects in the room approximately an inch to the right." Legion told him. The turian gave him a wide-eyed looked as Mordin's rage turned to him. "We believe the term is 'April Fools'."

* * *

ME1

* * *

"I couldn't see I was lost at the time..."Garrus pointed at the Commander.

"Yeah, I didn't know I was lost at the time..." he continued passionately.

"On Allison Road..." they all(even Wrex) sang in their very acoustic prison.

Suddenly, the door blew in with a burst of biotics, and they all went silent.

"ON, ALLISON ROOOOOAAAD!" Kaiden repeated in what was admittedly an impressive voice.

"YEAH!" Garrus cheered, and, now free from their metal, wrecked MAKO of a prison, the crew of the Normandy continued to sing Gin Blossoms.

* * *

OoT(Out of Trick outtake)

* * *

"Now here's what I don't get." Garrus lifted a bag of some sort of dextro fruit. Next to him, Thracius looked up at him, and Tali looked back from further ahead in the aisle.

"The label says ;organic'... but it's a plant. Ho can you get more organic than _that_?" he asked his wife and son. Tali opened her mouth to say something, then froze.

"You know... I have no idea." she admitted.

* * *

Post ME3

* * *

"If you want her... you're going to have to be the cheeta." Javik nearly jumped at the sound of the turian's voice.

"The what?" he gave the primitive an incredulous look.

"It's some sort of earth predator." Garrus waved the question off. "Point is... I can tell you want her. So are you really gonna let this thing with Feron happen without a fight?"

The last prothean scowled. He was a little bit right...

* * *

"Too much cheeta! Too much cheeta!" Javik had little time to protest(and even less time to gain close-combat leverage against the turian) before he found himself shoved into a closet.

"You should have been more clear on how relationships work in this cycle!" he snapped.

"Yeah, well I forgot the prothean interpretation of 'be the cheeta' was 'pants your rival and hold him upside-down right in front of her'!" Garrus shot back. "The only good thing about this situation is that you were hiding behind the door!"

"Prothean's do not 'hide'." He snorted. "You were the one who told me to do it."

"Yeah, well in this cycle... if the girl you like can biotically rip you apart... HIDE!"

* * *

ME2

* * *

"So... what up?" Kasumi asked. The two meditators didn't answer. Or move. Not even their breathing changed.

"So, I was talking to Garrus and Shepard, and we all thought it might be a good idea to throw a party this weekend; you know, just to annoy Miranda." She continued breezily. "Waddaya say to _that_ , hmm?"

Still nothing. She sighed.

"See ya, Thane, Samara." She walked out, and skipped away. _Pity. I would love to see Thane singing one of Garrus' country songs..._

* * *

ME1

* * *

The cockpit was filled with loud breathing.

"Come to the Dark Side..." Joker rasped menacingly with the emergency helmet on. "We have cookieeeessss..."

"Are they gluten free?" the pilot yelped at the sound of Shepard's voice, and he tore the helmet off so fast the strap snapped back into his face.

"Nope! They've got all the glutens, Commander!" he fumbled to put the mask back. "And I promise, I'll use the mask for good and not for evil from now on!"

"Good man, Flight Lieutenant."

* * *

ME2

* * *

"GO! GO! GET HIM! KILL HIM DEAD! GO!" Grunt roared.

"Grunt, stop yelling!" Tali scolded.

"YOU don't tell me to calm down!" the krogan snarled.

"Grunt, stop yelling, and stand down; it's just a movie." Shepard ordered sharply. "And really; stand down. Your blocking the view for Kasumi."

"Aww, thank's Shep; always looking out for us little guys!"

"Yeah, well," the tank-born krogan plopped down on the floor with no small noise. "If the Indomninus wins, I'm throwing this movie out the airlock! Only the REAL dinosaurs should get to live on the island!"

* * *

ME3

* * *

"Ummm... what are you two doing?" Ashley raised an eyebrow in the direction of Garrus and Javik... the former of whom was messing with a device that ostensibly looked radioactive, and the latter of whom was trying to warp some kind of metal with his biotics. They both looked up at her... with all-too similar looks on both their faces.

She immediately didn't like this; Javik was... impressionable. Heck, just staying in port cargo had, at the prothean's own admission, rubbed some of Grunt's personality off on him. If he was hanging out with Garrus long enough that he could copy the trademark manic look the turian was wearing right now...

And what they both answered her with didn't make her feel any better.

"A vaporizer gun."

* * *

ME2

* * *

They hadn't intended to beat-box. But when things got bored in engineering, well...

"We will, we will, rock you, rock you!" it was like using the bathroom; when you had to go, you had to go.

"We will, we will, rock you! Rock you!" so when you had to sing... you had to sing.

"You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, dragging your-" tools clattered to the ground, and Daniels and Donnely stood to attention as Commander Shepard walked in. Trailing behind him was, of all the things, a _quarian_. He grinned at them broadly, then looked back at his skittish companion.

"See; they're cool!"

* * *

ME1

* * *

"Unclean, unclean!" Shepard, Ashley, and Garrus ran through the CIC in a frenzy.

"The showers! Need... shower..."

"Can't breath... too rank..."

"Never be clean, never be clean, never be clean..."

"Guys, what ha-OH... by the... oh..." Liara clasped her hands over her mouth and nose to shield them from the offending odor. A raggedly-breathing Garrus, covered in green entrails, paused by her to gasp a two-worded answer.

"Thorian creepers!"

* * *

ME3

* * *

"You know, I never get why human women dress so scantily." Garrus commented airily. Allers narrowed her eyes at him.

"I too see little point in it; the more skin you leave exposed, the less armor you wear, the softer of a target you are for your enemies." Javik agreed. She tried to maintain her cool. Dealing with these two on their own was enough of a challenge; being stuck in a shuttle with both of them was terrible, but she would survive.

"Speaking of, Javik; how would you jury rig armor on her if we were to say, crash all on our own out here with no way of communicating the _Normandy_?"

Or maybe she wouldn't.

* * *

 _So, just thought I would get those off my chest! I might dump more drabbles here later._

 _If anyone wants to further explore the Tale of the Vaporizer Gun, read the very obviously-titled one-shot you can find in my list of works. For anyone interested in Thracius, or Out of Tricks in general, go ahead and read that, too. Let me know which of these drabbles was your favorite! It certainly helped me get some creative juices flowing. Nothing like drabbles to help with writers block._

 _Fare Thee Well!_


	2. Chapter 2

_BarbaraA: I always thought they would have a bit of a funny dynamic if they got together more often; Garrus being Garrus, around Mr. If-You-Can't-Beat-Them-Blow-Up-the-Planet Javik. The comedic possibilities are practically endless._

 _TheXGrayXLady: I shall! Glad you like them!_

* * *

ME1

* * *

Shepard cackled madly as he drove the MAKO over several geth, and his laughter grew even louder as he sent the vehicle over a precipice to land violently, bouncing and rolling across the ground, crushing the Armatures that had been firing at them along the way. When the MAKO finally settled, he twisted in his seat to look at his companions.

"That wasn't so bad!" he chirped at Ashley and Kaiden, both of whom were pale with terror and clinging to their harnesses.

"License and registration, please." Ashley demanded, holding out her hand stiffly.

* * *

ME3

* * *

Garrus wouldn't be the first one to fall asleep in the starboard lounge(and since the couches were quite the good quality, he probably wouldn't be the last). But he was certainly the first one to have sleep terrors in it!

However, even in his deathbed nearly a century later, Garrus Vakarian would outright refuse to reveal why he would be having a nightmare about such a thing, and he would never reveal what would cause him to scream out "BY THE SPIRITS, IF YOU DESIRE TO LIVE, DON'T LET SHEPARD DRIVE!"

* * *

ME2

* * *

Shepard and Kasumi stepped out of the skycar. The theif paused before she closed the door.

"Okay, you sit tight here, buddy! We'll be back, okay." she reassured before shutting the door. She jogged to catch up to Shepard. "Did you turn the AC on?"

"No, Kasumi!" he rolled his eyes.

"Well, shouldn't we at least open a window!?" she gasped.

"What? No, Kasumi; if people see we have a live geth in the car, C-Sec'll be all over us!

* * *

ME3

* * *

"Fool, you will believe anything!" James could only raise an eyebrow at the Prothean. He didn't get what had happened just now, at all.

"Hey, Javik." Even he hadn't noticed the turian slowly creeping up on the conversation. "Making it up is pretty much what defines most jokes. I mean, I could run in here screaming some nonsense, and it would still be a joke. Like, 'OH MY SPIRITS, FLAMEING WOMBATS ARE ATTACKING! FLAMING WOMBATS ARE ATTACKING!'."

Everyone in the room was now looking at the counter where the screaming had come from.

"See? _I_ don't even know what a wombat _is_!" he said to further his point.

"Turian... that is idiotic."

Liara burst out of her office screaming with terror and swinging her chair like a weapon. "KILL THEM ALL! WHERE ARE THEY!"

"... I stand corrected. You are a tactical genius."

* * *

ME2

* * *

"Okay, so, while we're laying cover fire, Tali, you'll-" Shepard was cut off by loud screaming, and everyone in the room went stiff and pale.

"Sorry! Sorry guys, it's my omni!" Jacob reassured embarrassed. "I have it set to this thing from a video about screaming mudskippers, it's actually pretty-"

A shoe hit him in the face, and he shut up after that. Nobody knew where the shoe came from, because the only person standing at the corner it came from was Legion... who obviously did not wear shoes.

* * *

ME3

* * *

"What makes you think I want to meet your crew, Commander?"Javik asked as he stalked across the crew deck with the human."I am here to kill Reapers; not socialize with primitives."

"If you want to go do that, I at least want you familiar with the ground team. You've already met James and Liara. I think you'll like Garrus; he's our resident sharpshooter. And smartmouth." the Commander insisted. It was only a few days after Manae, so he didn't really know if Garrus was settled in or not-

The door to main battery opened, and a flying wrench hit Javik square in the face. Foreign swearing filled the air. Garrus' head peeked over the smoking Thanix.

"SHEPAAAAARD! WHAT. DID. YOUR. PEOPLE. DO. TO. MY. GUN!"

* * *

ME3

* * *

"Okay... so how did this start?" Kasumi asked professionally.

"The turian hit me in the face with a wrench the day we met." a drunk Javik slurred. "I knew him for five seconds... and then I _knew_... he was an idiot."

"So... you drunk yourself under the table because I hit you by accident?" aforementioned turian asked from where he stood with arms crossed.

"Under... what table?" all four eyes blinked in confusion.

"It's just an expression. It means you were so drunk last night, you threw up and passed out on the floor. I think you even ate a lamp-oh, no, sorry, that was Grunt who did that, not you. My bad."

"What... what did I drink?" Kasumi facepalmed.

"Note to self; prothean's and alcohol don't mix."

* * *

ME3

* * *

A loud whirring sound went through the air again, high-pitched. Again, this time low-pitched. The employee at the desk grit his teeth and continued to smile. A salarian walked up with a child in tow.

"Hello, how can I help y-"

 _Whhhiiirrrrrr._

"Sirs!" he finally snapped, whirling to face the turian and human in the recliner couch. "May I ask if you find out produc satisfactory enough to take home?"

"I dunno... Shepard, it's your house; what do you think?" the turian asked his companion before hitting the button on the armrest again. He sank back along with his section of the couch. Shepard set his side upright slowly.

"You know... I think it's good." he confirmed with a manic grin.

* * *

ME3

* * *

"Happy birthday!" Garrus yelled forcefully. He raised his drink. "You know, one of the things I don't mind about humans, is your insistence for throwing a party for everything!"

"More opportunities to get drunk?" Ashley asked.

"Sadly, the cybernetic artery in my neck came pre-installed with some mild toxin-scrubbers..." he told her mournfully, swirling the turian brandy in his cup.

"You think you have it bad?" Shepard accused. "I just drank like, ten shots, and nothing happened!"

"You're both pathetic!" Tali hiccuped.

James moaned in agreement from the couch. EDI strode up the Ashley and held out a package. "Happy birthday, Specter Williams."

"EDI, you shouldn't have!" she opened the present, and immediatly frowned. She held up the bottle of Poo Pourri. "You... really shouldn't have."

"There have been several complaints." the AI told her with a smile as Garrus doubled over with laughter.

* * *

 _For those of you who are wondering, Poo Pourri IS an actually product. It made the only ad on youtube that everybody watches to the end, too... So what I gathered from my... two reviews was that their should be some more Garrus and Javik. Okay, got that then. No trouble in the department for writing Garrus; that guy just kind of writes himself. I thought a drabble about the trauma he endured having to fix the MAKO every day would be appropriate, and that one James-Javik conversation was always asking for a sarcastic interjection, if you ask me._

 _The second to last one was inspired by a commercial I saw just this morning featuring a couch that let you recline different section of it. I almost immediately imagined what it might have looked like when my Shepard went furniture shopping in the Citadel DLC._

 _Let me know what you guys thought of these ones! Happy New Year!_

 _Fare Thee Well!_


	3. Chapter 3

**ME3**

A human, a turian, and a prothean ran up to a cliff... _Heh, sound like the beginning of a bad joke..._

Shepard skid to a halt. "Anytime now, Cortez!" he yelled over the comms.

 _"I can't get close to you! You're going to have to jump!"_ The Kodiak flew in to hover down below, away from the line of fire. Shepard looked at Garrus.

"Ladies first!" He invited.

"No pain no gain!" The turian shot back.

"Age before beauty!" Garrus blinked, shrugged acceptingly, and pushed Javik off the cliff while he was examining the drop.

* * *

 **ME2**

"NO!"

"Just let go! It'll be alright!"

"NO!"

"There's no other way, Grunt! We can't go on with him!"

"NOOOOO!"

"Dammit, Grunt! You know we can't have a pet on the Normandy!" Shepard facepalmed, and Jacob sighed as Grunt clutched Urz close to his chest stubbornly, glaring death at both of them.

"Shepard has a hamster! Why can't I have a varren!?" he spouted furiously. The COmmander was seriously considering requesting some sedatives; a krogan-sized temper-tantrum was the last thing he needed.

"Barry isn't the same as a varren! Besides, what if he gets into the dextro rations?"

"We can space Garrus."

* * *

 **ME3**

"Okay, so _apparently_ the Council wants a word with us before we hit Tuchanka." Shepard rolled his eyes as he turned on the vid screen in the meeting room. The ground team were sitting at the table, along with Wrex. "And by 'Council', I mean Udina."

"In my cycle, our politicians were dead when the Reapers hit." Javik commented.

"Lucky." James muttered.

Shepard turned on the vid screen...

And Garrus burst into howling laughter, soon joined by Wrex, without bothering to even try containing himself.

"Commander, I hope- WHAT IS THAT RACKET!?"

Someone had installed a face-warping real-time filter to the transmission. EDI's triumphant smirk went unnoticed to just about everyone.

* * *

 **ME2**

"Dammit!" Garrus sent his character around the bend after re-spawning, and threw a grenade towards the enemy team. He swore again as he was sniped from the other end of the map.

"DAMMIT!"

Kasumi groaned as her mage was blown to kingdom come by a rocket. "How? Why?"

"Dude, are you cheating?" Jacob demanded as the same player came around the corner and shotgunned him in the face.

"Geth do not infiltrate." Legion told Jacob, turning it's head to him with a flick of one of it's eye flaps. "Dude."

* * *

 **ME1**

"Okay... doubt you know this one; What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?"

"Guardians of the Galaxy." Joker merely stared at the turian, who shrugged. "Don't look so surprised; only coll people watch Marvel."

"Yeah, well... Why did Johnny throw his clock out the window?" He challenged.

"Because he's a brat. My turn: Why did the chicken cross the road?" He'd heard it was an age-old question. Did it matter if you knew what a chicken was?

"I believe in a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motive questioned." the pilot deadpanned with his arms crossed.

* * *

 **ME2**

The moment Tali realized she might have a crush on Garrus was the morning after the Suicide Mission. Crew Quarters had been a mess, so some of the ground team had given up their various rooms for the traumatized, formerly-kidnapped crew.

She'd woken up, and seen Garrus, asleep against the wall in a strange position, like he'd had trouble sleeping lying down.

It wasn't as sweet a scene as one would think; he was drooling on the wall, mandibles akimbo, and it looked like Kasumi had taken up the sword(sharpie pen) again.

And for some reason, it was the best thing she'd ever seen, and it was amazing that it had even happened at all.

* * *

 **ME2**

"Our mission, in short, is to make sure history doesn't repeat itself." Shepard told them solemnly, pacing at the front of the table. "We're not going to let the Reapers have any kind of edge on us when they get here; at least, not what we can deny them. This is why were' doing this- yes, Grunt?"

The krogan lowered his hand, and threw his fists on the table, eyes shining eagerly.

"If history repeats itself, can I have a dinosaur?" he asked, face lighting up in a way most krogan couldn't manage. A way even Commander Shepard couldn't shoot him down.

"Yes, Grunt." he sighed. "You can have a dinosaur."

* * *

 _Not my best work here, and not as many as in the other two chapters, but I did a new summary! Hopefully it will draw more people in!_

 _Also, I FINALLY got over my writers block for Out of Tricks, and I wrote a Javik and Garrus buddy cop comedy on a dare. No joke, so go check that out if you're one of the people who like the odd little Garrus and Javik dynamic I've set up._

 _New fan1: hehe, I told my mom 'Dreg lives matter" once while she was playing Destiny 2. I think she was using excessive grenades..._

 _Got things back on track for both my mainstream fics, so don't expect a lot more crew fluff for a while, at least not until I get bored again. In the meantime, I hope everyone enjoys what I have written so far!_

 _Fare Thee Well!_


End file.
